Editor's Log: Faux Experts

December 2013, Vol. 68 No. 12

Did you know I’m an expert thespian? Well it’s true, at least by today’s standards of Hollywood, the Internet, reality television shows and social media. I am fully qualified to be a respected, believable media star worthy to influence the mindless minions who blindly rely upon mass media madness to influence, even guide, their decisions.

What are my qualifications and experience as an actor, one might ask? For starters, in the first grade, I was the lead actor in the famous children’s Christmas story The Shoemaker & The Elves. (Oops! In today’s parlance, that should have read “happy holiday time for no specific Christian religious belief bias” instead of “Christmas.” And I made a poor choice of words when I used the term “elves” rather than “vertically challenged individuals with a unique and beautiful ear structure.” Sorry!).

As the Shoemaker (or perhaps “advanced leather sculptor”?), I not only had the lead role, but I sang a solo. (Funny, I’ve never been asked to sing a solo – or anything else for that matter – since . . .)

Then there was that time in fifth grade where our class’ happy holiday performance without any Christian religious bias did a variety of skits. One was a parody of the famous Kellogg’s commercial with the stern-looking, pitchfork-wielding bald (follicle-challenged) farmer and his wife. I had the unique and challenging role as the voice of the chicken. I got rave reviews and several requests to repeat that now-famous chicken cawing.

And there’s much more. My junior year of high school, I was the supporting actor in the well-known comedy Desperate Ambrose. More relevant experience was gained my senior year when I was selected to serve on our debate team. (Admittedly, I was a bit distracted by other typical high school activities such as girls, football, girls, baseball, girls, etc. and perhaps a bit negligent in research and prep, but even then I could generally outtalk most competitors.)

The logic is that all of these “life experiences” have prepared me to be an actor or reality star, just like being a well-known actor automatically makes them experts on important issues of which they have no relevant knowledge such as energy policy, fracking, fossil fuels, environmental issues, etc. The politically correct thing to do these days in Hollywood is to use social media, cable television and various photo ops to display a suddenly discovered social or environmental conscience.